3 years ago today.

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The fear of death sends chills down most peoples backs. But its something most people don’t ever come close to and then survive.

I’am one of those few who did.

I feel complete guilt that I wanted to die. In todays society a white girl with an education, money and clear future is viewed as privileged.  And I’am. But does that mean I am not aloud to feel sadness,anger and pain? Am I suppose to forget the yelling and shouting and pushing of someone who was suppose to protect me. And surely you don’t understand how a man’s hands have touched even when the words “NO!” were yelled in his face. Or watching as all your friends families have dinner together at the age of 10 and it feeling bizarre. Because you spent yours alone in a tiny 900 square foot apartment. And learning that families are made up of Moms and Dads, which you barely had a Mom and your Dad was buried 4,271 miles away. This was not normal. It took you 7 years to figure that out.

3 years ago today I attempted to take my own life. I was 15 and had already been suffering from Depression since I was 10. I started to self harm. Some of the scars are still visible on my body, barely but they are their. I was in such a dark place, I felt like I had no other choice. This was my out.

I survived my attempt. I spent the next 2 years wishing I hadn’t. Some days I still do. Tonight I asked myself why am I still here? why keep me? But I know I will find the answer to that question soon.

Depression, anxiety and every other mental illness is a lifelong battle. You are never done fighting. I’ve been fighting it for almost 9 years and their where times when I thought it was gone. But it came back each time.

The difference between who I was now and 3 years ago is that I have an outlet when things get bad. Photography and writing helps keep me afloat. Without peoples encouragement and support I’ve had in the last few years I might of not made it to today. So many people have helped me along my journey. And its far from over. Thank you, truly.

I am not here for pity or your sympathy but only one thing; awareness. Their is such a huge stigma around mental illness. Even in 2015. I saw that because when I posted a photo on Instagram earlier today with a long caption about my story, only my close friends and few people reached out in support. But it still surprised me how little. I received texts from very old friends who I have not spoken with in years with their support and kind words. But I was surprised when people that I just talked to a week ago or even this past summer did not say a word. My own family has not said one word. It made me feel quite alone. And its true you can feel alone even surrounded by people.

Its friken 2015 and we all should just accept that mental illness is real. I’am sick of hiding within my own head. I’am not the only one. It could be your best friend, mother, son, father, aunt, grandparent or child. Do not judge a person based on their religion, sexuality, race, income, or appearance. It can happen to anyone.

 

Stay strong and fight.

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Fighting demons

the streetlight outside my window keeps flickering

everyone is sound asleep

its only me, here now

in a different place

hello to the darkness

hello to the demons

hello to it I say

I can’t out run it out anymore, at least for this week

come another time

but their is no schedule

it comes and goes as it pleases

while i pick up the pieces each time

hello

its come again

its come for me and all i have

drifting away to another place

but only in my head

i can’t seem to escape it

the smile you see

it is not real

but you seem to buy it

and that is what i need

hello

i must go he is calling my name.

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You are not alone

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You are not alone, even if you think you are. Just repeat that to yourself. You are not alone.
Even amongst people that you call family and share the same DNA you can’t seem to connect with them.
Maybe it’s the mix of languages and the distance amongst each relative but something is still missing.

Everyone around you seems to have “their person” and you keep drifting around looking for yours.

Their are moments when you don’t feel so alone, but today was not one of those.

The constant waves of thoughts drown your tiny little head. And the emotions seem to take you too another place.

Maybe it’s the rain hitting your window and the saddest songs on repeat but tonight you are alone. Checking your phone makes you feel even worse. So you turn the volume up and hide within the comforts of your bed.

The life you have left behind

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The past few nights I’ve been thinking of how much I’ve changed for the better (at least I hope) So here’s something I wrote.
a painted on smile does the trick
nobody can tell
that the night before she was drowning in her tears
a sharpness punctured her wrists
a splatter of red on her sheets
the terror in her eyes
only the moon light up her room
she danced with the devil
he wispered her secrets
and she did as she was told
now she is burning with the flames
asking for a way out
not knowing how to leave it behind
she still craves the touch of the blade
the quiet of the night
only her and the depths of her mind
what a crazy little world she lives in
if only they knew
the constant spinning of ideas
she wanted to disappear
oh and she tryed
but the idea did not work
a second chance at life they told her
felt more like a second time to try again
she refused help and their cares
now sitting on the cold bathroom floor
clutching to her cold body
she wishes for someone’s touch
stay oh just stay with me
come closer and she will wisper all her secrets
come over
but who would want to know the things running through that mind of hers

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The leaves are changing and moving on, so am i

With the new season I found myself questioning my feelings for him and I could no longer see a future when I would soon be hoping across the pond. As I met him for what I knew would be the last time and I looked into those blue eyes that I used to get lost in, I felt my heart race one too many times. And as the coffee sunk into my veins and took over my hands I could no longer keep it inside. We submerged into the cold and windy fall weather both trying not to pretend all we wanted to do was hold each other for the last time. 

You took me to our spot, and after this I will hate this spot forever. I quietly said “I think we should break up” and I didn’t take my eyes off the tree that was infront of me bare and without leaves. You looked at me and I could see the pain within those ocean deep eyes. I am so sorry. You were the best thing to happen to me in a very long time and I am forever grateful for the time we had. I wanted to run and hide after those words came out of my mouth. But I sat there while my heart and stomach felt like it was doing backflips. You didn’t say anything for what felt an hour and a million seconds. We both looked at each other and I could see your eyes were watery and the ocean was spilling out of you and I wish I could of drowned with you but all I wanted to do was run. It has not hit me yet. The fact that I will never kiss you or touch your face and sleep on your chest is something that i cannot imagine without just yet. Am I a fool to let you go? fuck. Things end, and this is one of them. And from every experience you learn something. I learnt that there is still kind hearted men in the world and I should never except less then that. 

I stumbled upon this quote on the sidewalk today, 5 hours after I broke a mans heart.