The fear of death sends chills down most peoples backs. But its something most people don’t ever come close to and then survive.
I’am one of those few who did.
I feel complete guilt that I wanted to die. In todays society a white girl with an education, money and clear future is viewed as privileged. And I’am. But does that mean I am not aloud to feel sadness,anger and pain? Am I suppose to forget the yelling and shouting and pushing of someone who was suppose to protect me. And surely you don’t understand how a man’s hands have touched even when the words “NO!” were yelled in his face. Or watching as all your friends families have dinner together at the age of 10 and it feeling bizarre. Because you spent yours alone in a tiny 900 square foot apartment. And learning that families are made up of Moms and Dads, which you barely had a Mom and your Dad was buried 4,271 miles away. This was not normal. It took you 7 years to figure that out.
3 years ago today I attempted to take my own life. I was 15 and had already been suffering from Depression since I was 10. I started to self harm. Some of the scars are still visible on my body, barely but they are their. I was in such a dark place, I felt like I had no other choice. This was my out.
I survived my attempt. I spent the next 2 years wishing I hadn’t. Some days I still do. Tonight I asked myself why am I still here? why keep me? But I know I will find the answer to that question soon.
Depression, anxiety and every other mental illness is a lifelong battle. You are never done fighting. I’ve been fighting it for almost 9 years and their where times when I thought it was gone. But it came back each time.
The difference between who I was now and 3 years ago is that I have an outlet when things get bad. Photography and writing helps keep me afloat. Without peoples encouragement and support I’ve had in the last few years I might of not made it to today. So many people have helped me along my journey. And its far from over. Thank you, truly.
I am not here for pity or your sympathy but only one thing; awareness. Their is such a huge stigma around mental illness. Even in 2015. I saw that because when I posted a photo on Instagram earlier today with a long caption about my story, only my close friends and few people reached out in support. But it still surprised me how little. I received texts from very old friends who I have not spoken with in years with their support and kind words. But I was surprised when people that I just talked to a week ago or even this past summer did not say a word. My own family has not said one word. It made me feel quite alone. And its true you can feel alone even surrounded by people.
Its friken 2015 and we all should just accept that mental illness is real. I’am sick of hiding within my own head. I’am not the only one. It could be your best friend, mother, son, father, aunt, grandparent or child. Do not judge a person based on their religion, sexuality, race, income, or appearance. It can happen to anyone.
Stay strong and fight.